hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
