im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize