I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
