I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
