I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
