I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
did i walk over a car last night?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize