I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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