in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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