I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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