mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
