sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
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