I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize