Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
