wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
