somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
