im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
