I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
