Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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