Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize