I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
