Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
