Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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