Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
