We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
God, I missed his penis.
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