We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
