margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
