a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
