Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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