So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize