I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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