I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize