We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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