i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
and she was petting her beer can
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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