I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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