I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
