It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
