There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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