I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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