Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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