The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
