tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
