i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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