May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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