No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
