I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
