went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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