fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
