Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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