They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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