you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize