So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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