I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
