it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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