What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
