There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
