dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
