Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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