i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
