My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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