I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
