meet me or not, i'm out of control
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
