You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
