Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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