She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
