I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
never play flip cup with pint glasses
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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