i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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