I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
false alarm, still single
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
