oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
