and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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